I Lied I'm Dying Inside
by weird clone wars fangirl
Summary: Ahsoka Tano seems just fine to her master, Anakin Skywalker, he can't see through her long sleeves or fake smiles. It hurst to lie to him, but she's been like this for so long it's become second nature. But as she deals with the deaths she's positive she's responsible for, it becomes harder and harder to hide the truth... (trigger warning for sensitive topics)


**Whaddup my fellow homo sapiens! So I posted this a while ago, but then I kinda realized it sucked, there wasn't a main plot-I kept branching off into new storylines- and the writing was just, as my sister would say, a whale slap to the face. I'm not saying that this is going to be much better, but I AM guarrantining that I put a lot more thought and effort into it this time. Hope you enjoy! Have a great day! **

Anakin Skywalker frowned. "Ahsoka, you seem on edge, you okay?"

"Yeah, Master, I'm fine."

You wince as the lie easily slips out of your lips. At first, lying to him was hard. You could barely get through the words, 'I'm okay', without breaking. At first, he was worried for you. But you had learned. You could now block him out of your thoughts, and besides noticing small details, like how you always look down at your feet, or how you now wear large sweaters despite the heat, or maybe on occasions a few tears just barely slipping through your barriers, he could no longer sense your emotions.

It's not like you ever wanted to lie to him, actually, you had sworn to yourself you'd never do just that. But, that was a long time ago. Long before everything all this started.

"Ahsoka, you're avoiding the question."

"I'm not, I answered it." You snapped.

"Okay, fine, I-" just then his com beeped. "Oh, sorry, Snips. I'll be right back." And with that he was running off to answer it.

You slumped outside the temple doors, shaking as a small gust of wind blew through your sweater. You didn't mind the cold weather, since wearing long sleeves was a normality then, and you didn't have to hide the way you did in battle or during summer.

Anakin wasn't stupid, but you you knew him well enough to know how to fool him,

You held your knees to your chest with your arms at the thought, burying your face in them as your entire body warmed with the framiliar anger that settled in your stomach each time you lied to him. Anger at yourself, mostly, but also anger that he couldn't figure you out. He made it all too easy, and sometimes you just wished he wasn't as nice as he was, so lying to him wouldn't leave you feeling guilty.

"You need to." You reminded yourself bitterly. Immediately the voices in your head answered, a million different thoughts and reasons why you're a terrible person. You let them in, too tired to fight them off.

You sighed.

Before you knew it, he was jogging back to you. _How long had you been sulking there? _Whatever. Didn't matter.

"Snips?" You heard him call.

You felt his large hand cupping your shoulder. You fought the urge to shove it off.

"Ahsoka, c'mon. Let's go back to the temple. We'll skip training for today."

_How nice of you to pretend you care._

With that thought you stood and bolted into the temple, down the long hallways and into the safety of your quarters, where you flopped on your bed, shoved your face into a pillow, and thought about why you should even live anyways…

It took you a little over a half hour for you to realize, (1), you were nearly suffocating underneath the pillow, (2), Anakin wasn't coming to check on you, and (3), nothing would get better if you don't do anything.

So you found yourself dragging your feet, as if weights were chained around your ankles, out of your room.

As a padawan, you didn't have _complete_ freedom outside of the temple, but where you were headed was in Coruscant anyways, so you didn't see how anyone could be too mad. _Anakin would be mad. _A voice in your head chimed in.

You ignored the voice pestering you until you were above the hanger in a simple speeder, for the engines were loud and drowned out any thoughts, and the voice weakened and trailed off until you knew it had disappeared. That didn't change the fact that Anakin _would _be mad at you, but at least you weren't thinking about him for a change.

You landed the ship, hopping out and hoping they were here. You had only told one person about this, the cuts, your constant thoughts, how much this whole thing with Anakin was affecting you...it's not like anyone else would understand. You walked aimlessly around the building, which usually worked. Someone would get annoyed as they watched you pacing, and would ask, "do you need anything?", or better yet, a clone would take notice, and most of them knew what you were there for anyways, and all were nice and helpful.

Jesse approached you. "Hey, Commander. Looking for them again, huh?" You smothered an eye roll with a fake grin at the smirk he wasn't even trying to hide. "Yeah. They here?"

"You bet. Back lounge."

"Thank you, Jesse." You said, spinning on your heel and giving a small salute with a finger to your brow, leaving before he could say anything more. This place always gave you some energy, and it was the only place you ever seemed to be happy.

You finally were rushing to them, and they stood from their seats, wrapping you in a warm embrace as you threw your arms around their neck.

"Hey, Rexo." You smiled.

"How are you, Commander?" Rex said. Then he chuckled. "Bad I guess, since you came."

You attempted to shove your face in his chest, something that used to be comforting with Anakin but pretty impossible with him, with armor and all. You recoiled and gave something that was supposed to be a laugh.

The two of you walked out of the building.

"I'm a weak clean." You told Rex. He nodded. "Good job, Commander."

You walked in comfortable silence. You hadn't actually cut all week, sure, but you thought about it every day, and you were planning on doing it later that afternoon. You had an everlasting picture of a knife slitting your wrists in your mind. It was somewhat satisfying to think about.

"How's the General?" He asked.

You shrugged sadly. "I wouldn't know."

He stopped walking grabbing your shoulder and turning you towards him. "Ahsoka." He stared at you until you couldn't look him in the eye, and had to resort to glaring at your feet.

"What?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Stop doing this to yourself! You see Anakin everyday, you know him best and you know that. He cares about you, even if you think he doesn't. You saw him this morning, didn't you?"

You nodded. "Yeah."

"There ya go." He said. "The morning before that?"

"Yeah."

"There's probably only been a few times you haven't seen him right?"

"Yeah, and all those times take a wild kriffing guess where he was!" You raise your voice.

Rex sighs, letting go of you. "Ahsoka..she's been gone for awhile now. You know he's trying his best to be there for you and cope-"

"Sorry." You say, rubbing your temples, realizing how selfish you were being. "Sorry, can we just go back to the Temple, please?"

"But, you just got here...and the ship.." He looks at you concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just wanna go home."

"Okay, are you good with walking there?"

It was a short walking distance away. As helpful as Rex was, you weren't in the mood to talk anymore.

"I'm sorry, Rex, can you just, I really just want to be alone." You look at him, pleading.

"Alone? Ya sure?"

"I'm sure." You say.

"Okay, be safe, Ahsoka." You gave him a small wave as he walked away. And you were alone again.

The walk back to the Temple was short and quiet. Unlike most times that you would walk on Coruscant, no one had harassed you, which was nice. You felt like you could actually enjoy the billowy clouded sunset barely visible over the buildings. Since there never was a single visible star in the sky at night, it was only times like this where you felt pride in the planet, or at least was able to recognize some of the city's beauty.

….

You stepped into the shower, stripping off your clothes to reveal scars that covered your skin like the Togruta markings on your face. You traced them with your fingers, amazed at how many stories and memories each mark held in your mind. On your palm there was a scab from burning yourself on the stove. You could remember why you did, (You and Anakin got into a fight that afternoon and you thought you lost him), and how much it hurt. All around that was tiny faint scars from scratching yourself with a thumbtack after some jerk near the clone barracks grabbed you as you were walking to meet Rex. You hit him and he called you a whore, and a group of men started laughing and hitting on you with even worse names after that. You were so embarrassed and started blushing really hard, and they got worse, commenting on your lekku and saying, "ooohh, she likes it!"

"Stop." You growled at them.

One noticed your lightsabers and started asking where your master was. They said that he was lucky and what they would do if they were your master. You hit one guy in the groin and ran off.

On your wrist all the scars and bruises looked the same, but you knew about each one and the hurt behind it. Anakin snapped at you, Rex was mad, you got in trouble or somebody you loved got hurt, or worse, somebody died and you felt responsible. Your gut twisted at the memory of you and Rex's conversation. Padme was dead because of you, and all you could do was hate Anakin for loving her.

"Jealously a bitch." You thought out loud.

The water started to run over them, stinging, but not as bad as they did when they were fresh.

Afterwards you dressed in the training clothes in the back of your closet and went back to the bathroom.

You placed your hands on the sides of the sink, staring at your reflection. After a few minutes you got sick and tired of what you saw. "Who would love you?!" You whispered as tears began to cloud your vision. "Who minutes the sight of yourself became unbearable. Who would love this mess, this ugly bitch?!" You imagined Anakin for a split second, on the other side of the door, listening to you, blinking as tears start rolling down your cheeks. You raised your voice. "You dumbass! Why do you have to ruin everything!"

There was, of course, no response.

You felt intense anger and hatred burning for the girl you saw staring back at you. Every single thing about her you cringed at, every inch of flawed skin, the dark pupils that lead to an empty brain, and deeper still frozen and selfish heart. You wondered why you had to be stuck inside this person. Why everyone around you seemed to be so perfect. You thought of Anakin, his perfect face and selflessness. Rex, who was literally made to be perfect. Built to conquer stress and win wars. Obi-Wan, Plo, hell, even Anakin's droid was like a perfect opposite of your's. You were nothing. You were worthless.

"Answer me, bitch!" You sob/screamed into the mirror. "Tell me, tell me why you have to let go, why you hate everyone you love! Please! Why do you do this to me?!" You picked up a vase and threw it at your reflection. It shattered, and cracks spewed from the spot it hit all over the mirror. "You are such a _burden_!" You grabbed another vase throwing it again. "I hate you!" You fell to the floor, bawling.

You felt helpless as your hands grasped your throat. Ending your life would take all the pain away...from you, from everyone.

You reached for a shard of glass that was on the floor next to you.

A sudden chime rang through the small room. You grabbed your holo.

Anakin's figure appeared, and you stared at him. It was like salt in the wound.

"_Hey, Snips? Can you meet me in the courtyard in a second?" _He asked.

You wiped your eyes. You didn't want to see him, you didn't want to do anything but be alone.

"I'm, I'm actually kind of busy, Master." You hang your head.

"_Are you okay?" _

"Ya, I'm fine."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

"Bye."

After that you were too exhausted to scream and cry. You were too emotionally tired to do anything but lay in your bed and drown in your misery. Wishing that you could just fall asleep without your thoughts racing.

You snuggled in your sheets, wishing that Anakin was there. Despite all the pain in your chest, you were finally able to fall asleep.


End file.
